Part of why I'm writing this is because I will send the website to him and wanted to make it special :D... But I wanted to talk about him anyways, in a casual way that isn't through letters. Now, if you found every bit of this website already (I'M TALKING EVERY SINGLE LITTLE BIT!!) or even my journal entries/general writing from the middle of 2025, you may realize that "him" and "letters" are usually followed by cult sh!t, but not today! This entry is just for me to talk about my boyfriend and why he's amazing!

I was a little confused over writing or not writing a segment on this, because as the most goddamn dramatic and anxious person in this country I am afraid it might all crumble to pieces in front of me, it would be really triggering to look at all I've built and how much I loved someone after it ended, but I feel like that when I don't pay much attention to my hyperfixations too, and I either forget about them or just let it be (I've had two times this year when I thought I stopped liking cults and felt so stupid when I realized I had written 3 essays on cult economy tactics,,,, felt like a huge loss of time tbh ☠️). But I kind of feel like I will be happy if we remain together forever because I love to be with him, and I'll also be happy if he leaves at some point because I'll know he will be much happier :p in general, since I've met him I have been coping with life in a way that is really healthy and makes me overthink much less, which is basically just accepting things as they are and letting the world pass me by as I slam my keyboard to write about Lie Theory for no particular reason...?

I didn't want this to be a list, it would be infinite. I wanted it to be a letter full of poems and attempts to express all I have felt in such a small amount of time with the same person! I consider myself a professional when it comes to feeling too much over a specific human being, but I never really thought that I could love someone and be so invested in a way that isn't parasocial ?¿ I keep doubting his reality, to me no one would be this kind and this good overall if they didn't want something else, but he isn't taking any advantage of me, he just makes me happy and happens to love me back, BUT ISN'T THAT IMPOSSIBLE?? FOR SOMEONE LIKE ME ??¿?¿ I have spent a considerable amount of time learning to hate myself that I am continuously astonished at the fact that people CAN like me and I deserve to be respected not because of my results in each area of life but simply because I am a human being and I have rights. I think I am so compassionate towards others and can't redirect it towards myself simply because I wasn't seeing myself as a human earlier this year. For some reason I had to be a machine with infinite and fast outcome that couldn't cease to produce excessively... But now that I love, I am human, and I can exist freely and live without having to die through it! I love, not only him but the very world in its unpredictability, and therefore I am! Love is a revolution because I get to finally be.

I have never been this thankful, I have never felt this good! I decided to write this indirectly because I am afraid of how stupid it would sound otherwise, but it's all about my fear of being too attached. I love you, I love everything in you, I love how you let me use your light to finally see some brightness in this world. I waited so much to see this light again, to smile under a coverage of photons, to giggle at mistakes, as aforementioned, to simply exist, to live every moment as a time to treasure the now and rest within myself. I wished to be happy, I prayed, I tried. You were unpredictable, what you made me feel is so beyond what I hoped could exist for me. You are one of the reasons for me to remain in this world even when everything hurts, I think about you because I wish I could live forever by your side, I want to feel you every second, feeling you has made me more real than anything else. I love you and I always will.

How smiling genuinely feels like⤴

Update because I love my boyfriend so much

I wanted to casually send him all that I'm going to say, but I feel kind of silly today so I'll just write!
Yesterday we slept on call with each other and he talked about personal issues, and when I woke up I immediately realized that I love the way he thinks and everything he articulates to speak to me. Everyday I notice more and more how lucky I am to have a grace to not only have a boyfriend but have the best person in my world, every breath I take is a reminder that I will remain on this Earth forever, even if my body rots I feel like I will still roam all of my memories until infinity... I like to believe that someday we will live together in a cozy house, study together, get up and down together at every move, I just really want to be united to him forever! Every thought is full of appreciation for everything he does, this might seem exaggerated but every time I see him do something I feel exhilaration, because that's him, doing things in his way, being himself, and it makes me happy to know that he is, simply like that; the very existence of someone so special is enough to remind me that things can be beautiful despite all. Maybe I'm just too attached or stuck in awe, but I like to think that I have 💗one💗, not anyone but the one and only man that makes moments more than just time passing without saying a single word, changing the world around him with simply being present. I love you, more than yesterday and less than tomorrow, and my love will keep expanding until it essentially destroys the barrier of the observable universe, I will tell you that I love you until time itself ceases to exist. I love you, truly!! I love you.