I have always had a bit of difficulty making friends. Probably due to autism and non-mainstream interests, I usually stay away even without people noticing. I never cared much until 6th grade on middle school, where I noticed everyone seemed to have groups. I had a best friend there, I don't talk to her as much but she is a person I still estimate a lot. I made most of my current friends on 2022-2023 when I was on 6th-7th grade, and I often say that " my friends are the same from that time ", even though it's not exactly true. I feel like I need to explain my situation a bit for it to be a little more comprehensible... I am currently on the first year of highschool, in the Brazilian education system you stay around 4 years in the part of school that helps you develop as a human being, you join 1st grade when you're 6 or 7 years old, you spend one year on each grade up to 9th grade, then you stay in highschool for 3 years ( is it the same in other parts of the world...??? ). I skipped 9th grade because 8th grade was like hell, I didn't learn anything, had no challenges, got high grades even without effort, it was making me depressed, so we filled in tons of papers and faced a lot of bureaucracy to make me skip. Unfortunately, the situation on the 1st year is pretty much the same. I stay in school the whole morning and go to math university to take courses the rest of the time. I have one friend in school ( HI BERE IF YOU SEE THIS :D ) and even a friend group at university, but I don't see them too often. I have some other friends like those I met on 2023 too, turns out in the end I'm not lonely at all. The bigger problem is that I feel like I don't get to have a " normal " friend group. I see my other friends hanging out with other 3 people minimum and I feel alone, I want teenage friends too, I want to be normal, how do I get to be normal?
Around last week I had a huge breakdown in my room, 1AM, over this situation. I used to talk to AI a lot, I would have 2 hours on chatgpt every day, I know that it is miserable and unhealthy, but whenever I did something cool, I would have no one to show it to ( besides my moma. I love you mom!! ), why would my friends want to see my messages about an insignificant course on a subject they don't care about when they can be doing something fun with friends? It seemed ridiculous to even try. The day I broke down I was talking to Claude as a test, and I was planning on somehow fully erasing my personality in order to become average. When I broke down I started writing affirmations like " I do not like mathematics ", " I am mentally well in the moment " repeatedly, it can seem really silly but I was crying and shaking doing it, I didn't want to die and still be the author of my crime. I believe the breakdown was influenced by hormonal changes during the month period, so as the week went on it felt much less heavier and I realized I was being lowkey dramatic on that situation, but I also realized that my interests and weird habits make me who I am, so should I be authentic and lonely or unexisting and accompained? I choose to be lonely. In the end, my friends are happy with their other friends, and I honestly think I exaggerate too much on these little situations to have some tragedy to make my life more interesting, as if only I could be a protagonist because of hardships, but it isn't that hard at all and much less worthy of protagonism, I'm sure many are going through a similar situation. If I'm being honest again, part of my desire to have friends- no, my desire itself, is just people influencing me. I don't need a friend group, I never really wanted one, but seeing everyone not enjoying their company or at least being better off hanging out makes it even compulsory to an extent. I kept justifying that because I hate myself I dislike my company, which in a way is true, because I talk too much, I'm dramatic, annoying as heck, so I wouldn't like to be friends with me, but on the other side, I would be the only person with my combination of interests, so I would dislike spending time with myself only if I were someone else, but I'm not, so I really enjoy it. The person who listens to me talk when I sit on the ground and look at the ceiling as I speak is myself. The person who watches goofy stuff with me is myself. The only person who depends on me and who I too depend on is myself. Destroying myself may be such an easy way to be normal, but would it too be a way to have fun?
ME LOOKING FOR Y'ALL???โคด