I just finished my last journal, which is interesting to me, to say the least... I have a difficulty to finish things, be it journals, food plates, drinks, the microwave timer; and I always leave a small piece, it's always easy to finish, but I just can't somehow? I had filled five journals before this one, and I would say that this last one was a little different. I was going through a terrible time ( aka may ) and so I wrote and learned a lot with it, I hate being proud but I am slightly proud of the literary productions I have built.
I feel like I wrote both silly and complex things, and that's what journaling has always been like to me; I really love seeing a scream on one page and happiness right on its side. I never really felt safe writing because many of my problems involve disconnection or feelings around people I know, and since 2020, when I started to write on my tablet's notes, I was terrified of someone seeing it all... I had a JSAB alternative universe, the story was sort of criticism to someone in my life, and I locked that note with a password and never got to open it in five years because I forgot and the app has no way to help me reset it இ௰இ I really regret it and until this day I'm scared of throwing paper away / hiding things and losing access. The game really changed when I started learning languages, I feel like I haven't written any direct vents ( literally saying what happened ) in a language that wasn't Russian for at least nine months?? But it works a lot for me because I feel safer now. I am terribly scared of people translating it, but when I tried using Google Lens to translate my Russian notes it translated everything to nonsense lol,,, Anyways!! Since I started writing about my day or my feelings life started feeling a lot lighter. I also enjoy drawing, so it was nice to have a place where I could draw without the pressure of it ( like my unfinished sketchbooks ). I feel like most people in my life find my fixation on notebooks and their brands sort of cringy, because it's nothing but a waste of money... I myself used to think that, until I started showing my notebooks to my therapist and she found them interesting, and helped me notice things I never did.
My therapist does these meetings with neurodivergent people every month, I am currently attending the ones for people my age ( 14-16 ) and the one for autistic adults as a whole... I really want to leave the one for teens because I don't feel represented, but I love everyone from the group for autistic adults so much? I showed them my notebooks thanks to my therapist's little push and I was impressed to see more people have journals which they cherish! And since then, I started feeling like buying journals ( while being conscious of it and not overconsuming ) isn't a waste to me, but an . So now, thinking about it isn't a waste too, and I like meticulously picking out the journal that will bring me the most joy. And currently I am deciding between many options.
Branding is expensive, and that honestly sucks :(. I have fallen in love with japanese brands, but lately I have been extremely tempted to get a Midori journal. I have found some on Aliexpress, for a price that won't leave me malnourished, and they seem legit, but should I? What if it goes wrong? What if the taxes are the expensive part? Ever since my trust has been cooked ( early trauma ) I feel like everything is a trap in some way, and even the things I love are some manipulation scheme to leave me in the bad side, here debt, in other more human cases, something maybe worse. And I am also thinking of buying at the bookstore on my grandma's city, but it will take long to travel, however buying online will take maybe even more time, but if I don't order online now and end up not buying at my grandma's city, I will have to wait even more time. See how it unravels into strategy...? It's tiring for my mind to work like this, I hate it, but at the same time, what if there was a field of optimal decision taking that helped me not take those decisions, but yet have authority over them, as if I could almost... Mathematically be sure of my decision? That field exists, and it is called decision theory! I cannot say that I am a professional, especially because I tend more to abstract areas, but I was reading a book about it the other day and I love how it can either be simple ( collecting some simple factors about the decision ) or meticulous ( every single possible up and down of a situation to make the absolute optimal decision ). Bayesian decision theory and descriptive decision theory are the most useful in my situation, as I want to consider emotional and psychological factors into my decision and use prior outcomes to understand which decision is most optimal while also minimizing waste. It is so exciting, but I honestly miss writing about it in a journal to better visualize it... It is so cute to me how mathematics shows up even in decisions almost purely emotional and insignificant, like a light of cointaned glow in order amidst chaos. Still, I will only know if posterior really equals likelihood times prior evidence divided by total evidence after feeling either the pleasure and comfort of holding a block of silky paper, or the despairing of the imorality slavery to the machine I just committed by taking the wrong decision. So whatever I get, let's hope I get something, so that I can add it to the list of evidence to maybe apply it next time...
I hate how I can't take decisions
But rabbit holes are fun anyway